My week started with Monday, like most peoples. It was a difficult and frustrating Monday. I felt burdened and overloaded with the tasks ahead of me in the week. I constantly feel pulled between where God is leading me and where I am. However I am continually assured that I'm exactly where He wants. Specifically, God leading me to one day plant and pastor a Church and currently I am working as a designer. The beauty of the situation is that God is meeting me in my work and shaping me through the great leadership I'm under at my job. I was facing other frustrations on Monday. I was invited to a conference called "Dream Builders" by Jeff. I in turn invited men from my small group, nobody responded. I lifted this up to God, acknowledging full-well that this conference will be cheesy but truly desiring companionship for the event.
Alex confessed to me on Monday that he still isn't sure that God is calling him to the Church in Victoria. He admitted that he is interested but hasn't had "the call" yet. Although I think he's wrong I realized how much I am depending on Alex instead of God for certain things to happen. It was hard to hear but good for me to reevaluate my thought process. I sought Alex's forgiveness if I made him feel pressured (as I certainly have). He forgive me, because he's awesome. I still believe God is calling him, but will allow God to take care of that. Clearly I am not His mouthpiece.
Monday evening I worked through lies. I have been addressing a deep routed issue in my life. When things are difficult, or "when the going gets tough" I want to abandon ship. This is always my reaction. Always. I don't think I've ever followed through with the desire but it definitely can cloud my thought process. I came before God Monday evening, broken and desperate., needing his strength to even carry me to bed. I confessed that I was believing lies about his nature, that I was questioning if he is truly good, compassionate, loving and faithful. He gave me this verse:
Zech. 13:7-9
"Awake O sword against my Sheppard against the man who stands next to me" declares the Lord of Hosts. Strike the Shepard and the sheep will be scattered; I will turn my hand against the little ones. In the whole land, declares the Lord, two thirds shall be cut off and perish, and one third shall be left alive. And I shall put this one third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say "They are my people" and they will say "the Lord is my God".
In a moment, my discouragement vanished. I remembered that Christ was struck for me. I remembered that before his resurrection the apostles were scattered. I remembered that after he rose he gently restored Peter while sitting at a fire. He assured me that I am being refined. That the process may hurt but there is hope. He assured me that I am a part of His people and most of all gave me the ability to confess:
The LORD is my God.
I was grateful Monday for Jack and all that he is contributing to Summit and reGroup. We had lunch together to delve into our struggles. He is continually a friend I can rely on. I was blessed to spend part of my working afternoon with Jon Paul as we drove around town taking photos for an upcoming project.
I am continually blessed to walk along side Julia in this life, to love her and be there for her through her struggles. I was amazed at how much God had revealed to her Monday about her struggles. He always provides me the ability to love her the way that I am incapable of loving her.
I long for deep meaningful fellowship. It's not something you can force to happen, but something only the Spirit can lead. I had been praying for this with fellow men, specifically like I have with a good friend in Calgary: Jon Redekop. Instead of leading me to new relationships the Lord lead Jon and I to committing some of our time on Monday evenings to encouraging each other over the phone. Jon encouraged me to continue my pursuit for the lost and to see as the Lord sees.
Tuesday I woke up and my struggles returned. The first words in my journal in the morning were "Father I need you. I am tired & weary". He spoke to me early in the morning, well early for me 7:30, through a radio show called Walk in the Word. The central point of the message was "You've got to serve someone" (way to quote a Dylan song Walk in the Word). But it struck me. I serve myself so much more than I serve God. I confessed this to God and begged for him to change me.
I spent some of my morning in prayer for Julia. Pleading with God to speak to her heart, to keep her safe and to provide her the love she deserves.
The Lord gave me this verse in the morning.
1 Corinthians 1:26-31
For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even thingis that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Jesus Christ, whom God made our wisdom adn our righteousness and sanctification and redemption. Therefore as it is written "let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord"
Immediately, like the evening before, my Spirits were lifted and I felt capable to make it through the day. I remembered that God uses the weak and broken, he uses people like me.
For lunch the team at Maven went to a service at Status. We reflected on what Jesus did during his Tuesday of the passion week. I heard some of the parables Jesus spoke and admitted fear of being the guest who shows up without the wedding clothes only to be thrown out. I felt a desire to also be a son of his word, not one to say he'll do something only to not do it. But instead like the son who said no, but then changed his mind and said yes. (I'm aware that I just mixed two parables).
I had a meeting after work with Josh Loveless, the pastor of Status. We spent some time talking about our stories and connecting with the vision that God has pointed us each in. Although we are not necessarily on the same page I found the entire meeting to be very encouraging. God is using Josh in such incredible ways and has shaped such a unique story in his life. His understanding of the post-modern culture is impressive. I left feeling inadequate for what God has in store for me, which is probably a good thing given the verse he gave me earlier in the day.
God answered my prayer about dream builders. Anthony and Chris joined me for the event. It was cheesey and marketed to fourty year old men, but none of the less encouraging. It was affirming to me that the dream God has given me, nay the vision, is absolutely possible and He will make it happen. In a video at the conference a man spoke of his dream, which is to plant 1000 churches across the world. I emailed dream builders to see if they can connect me with him, since I might be able to help with one of those. It turns out he is friends with Jeff Kern and is the president of a company that Jeff has recommended me to work with for church planting. Perhaps God is affirming a direction for me, we'll see.
The Lord helped Julia and I to connect in our evening and throughout her day continued to give her insight into her struggles. I praised God for his provision and love for her and for being faithful to my prayers in the morning.
I heard the number 798 softly in my soul when waiting upon God in prayer. I turned to that page in my bible and it was Zechariah 10:6, which was a verse God gave me several days before. I had no idea this was the page number so I figured God really wanted me to get this.
Zechariah 10:6
I will strengthen the house of Judah and I will save the house of Joseph. I will bring them back because I have compassion on them and they shall be as though I had not rejected them, for I am the LORD their God and I will answer them.
On a day where many small prayers were answered I felt an overwhelming joy well up in my heart. I couldn't help but praise God for his faithfulness and love. I continued to pray for him to help me learn to be a "sheep that knows his voice". I asked that he would bless me this way and I felt him say. "You are impatient and forgetful. I will tell you promises only for you to forget. Write on your heart what I say, I will place it there".
Wednesday I have my mens group at 7:00am so I don't journal in the morning. I came to God in the evening with thanks giving admitting the my Wednesday was a weird day. Mostly because of a strange fiasco with a car parked across the street from Maven that baffled us. We started to come up with many a conspiracy about why the car was there. We decided we would drive by and give them a note asking them, no an ultimatum, to call us. They didn't. I'm pretty sure we wasted some undercover cops time.
I confessed to God a continued struggle with my thought life, it's the one area in my life where I feel completely helpless to change. I take very seriously Jesus's call to clean the inside of the cup. I believe that if I think of hurting my brother that I've murdered him, that if I lust after a woman that I've committed adultery. I asked God to heal my heart and to only find satisfaction in Him.
I confessed that the root of the issue is that I still believe that someone, such as Julia, can fill a longing and brokenness that is deep within me. It is a lie. Only God can fulfill the deepest needs of my soul. I confessed. I asked that God would continue to teach me to love Julia in different and meaningful ways, ways that I've never known.
I experienced unrest and frustration when I saw some of my friends bands new music video. A deep longing to be where they are struck me. I was jealous and envious of their success. I realized that I am still, after all these years, disappointed in my failure in the music industry. That my unfulfilled dreams still haunted me. I could come up with rationalizations all day long explaining why it was for the best ... however it's not how I truly feel. Deep down I am disappointed that it's not me in that video, succeeding at my childhood dream. It surprised me that I still think that being a success musician could fulfill me in the ways that only God can. Again this relates to what I previously mentioned. I continued to rant. As if being a successful designer could fulfill me, or even a successful pastor. No. Fulfillment is not a vocation. It is God, and only God. I realized how desperate I was for him and how this desire had again been misplaced. I felt that I would be stuck like this forever but then took time to remember that God will restore and redeem His people. That he will lift them up because He is Holy. Hallelujah!
Back to Wednesday morning in my men's group. We discussed chapter 5 of James. Specifically the prayer of a righteous man and healing. It was awesome to hear first hand experiences of Gods miraculous healing. To hear second hand experiences of how there are ministries out there doing this, but not making it into a show like some seem to do these days. I prayed to experience this in my own life and was then concerned that I might of asked inadvertently for something I don't want. What I mean is that I would love to be a part of witnessing someone else receive healing, not be the one receiving it. I then confessed to God that my soul is indeed in need of healing.
Two verses struck me Wednesday evening:
Deut 30:20
That you mayest love the LORD thy God and that thou may obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life, and length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the LORD swore unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them.
Jeremiah 3:12-13
Return faithless Israel, declares the LORD. I will not look upon you in anger. For I am gracioius declares the LORD; I will not be angry forever. Only acknowledge your iniquity, that you have transgressed against the LORD your God. And have scattered your favors to the strangers under every tree. And you have not obeyed my voice declares the LORD. Then I will give you shepherds after my own heart, who will feed you on knowledge and understanding.
I felt the LORD had heard my confession in my evening journaling. I felt at peace.
Thursday morning I slept in and didn't have much time to spend listening to God's voice for my day. I prayed for my meeting with JMHC, we were presenting a evolution of their logo. I felt God say "You will be satisfied", which was weird. But strangely I was. The meeting didn't go as I had thought it would, they didn't choose the logo I suggested. However I was satisfied with where they wanted to take the logo. Ultimately I hadn't explored the area they wanted to take the logo because I felt it would stray too far from where the original logo had been. I was grateful they chose this direction.
I went through the 22 Questions I'm suppose to ask myself for my class at Asbury, but since this entry is already ridiculously long I will postpone that for another time. As I reflected on my Thursday I found frustrations in some of my relationships at work, so I prayed that God would continue to deliver me with patience and understanding. I realized that I had been stubborn about some situations and in most regards had given up. I realized that this was inconsistent with what God is calling me to, so I confessed. Chris shared with me a vision that he has with some friends to start a small group that will experiment in interacting with the Holy Spirit, it sounds awesome.
I thoroughly enjoyed my class Thursday evening. I'm enjoying learning about John Wesley and seeing how human he truly is. It's inspiring to see how much God used someone that was so broken. I had time to speak with a classmate about his church and the growth it is experiencing. They're about to build a new building in Paramore (for you non-Orlando folks, Paramore is the ghetto). He's looking for an Architect, I know an Architect ... so I'm trying to connect them.
Friday I slept in again and didn't have much time to journal in the morning. I realized that I needed the rest. I asked Lord to help me through my day, to give me patience and to be gracious with everyone. I asked that he would help me focus, to be productive at work, that he would bless me with creativity.
By the time I reached my evening I was frustrated again. However this time I was frustrated with my inability to be patient, with my lack of love for Julia. I was grumpy throughout our evening together, agitated and generally in a foul mood. Although I wasn't mean to Julia I certainly wasn't pleasant to be around. This only made me more frustrated because it's not how I wanted to feel, nor is it who I want to be. I ranted for pages in my journal, and I don't intend to share the content of those pages until I'm dead and some poor soul reads my ramblings.
I read 2 Corinthians Chapter 11, a chapter I had contemplated in the morning. I couldn't tell if I related to Paul in the situation or the Church of Corinth. I saw how God was with Paul in his frustrations, and God continually has told me He is with me in mine. But I couldn't relate to Paul. Paul was frustrated out of his love for his congregation, I was frustrated out of my lack of love for Julia. Paul spoke of a thorn God gave him. I wondered if my thorn was not being able to love apart from the Lord. Then I realized, it's a thorn we all bare.
I felt God calling me to imagine freedom in my heart. To imagine who I am called to in his nature.
I imagine being able to express myself and to be heard. I imagine that Julia would understand where I'm at and love me by applying what I need in a given situation, this can only happen if I can communicate and articulate my needs. I imagine being able to see my frustrations as fleeting, being able to move past them quicker and being able to hold on to what I know to be true despite doubts. I imagine being able to offer love even when it's the last thing I want to do.
I meditated on the following words from God:
My grace is enough, it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
I begged the Lord for his strength for in the moment I felt very weak. Peace started to return to my soul. I spent some more time in reflection of my evening. Julia and I had gone to the Marriage Show at Summit. We had the opportunity to speak to the Beesons afterward. They have walked the path we're about to head on. We asked them about church planting and how to deal with the doubts and frustrations that come along the way. He helped me realize that wanting to quit and give up on your Monday morning is normal of every profession and not solely in clergy. I realized that I even experience that now and that it's about submitting to the Spirit and overcoming my shortcomings for what I know to be my purpose.
I realized that so often I don't believe in my purpose. I asked God to help me believe.
The Beesons also talked about doing what you know fills your soul. I realized that I don't really know what that is anymore. I talked to Julia and her insight into my life and character was helpful. She helped me see how much music can inspire me, how a good conversation with friends brings me joy, how being a total imbecile at times cheers me up. And on and on, she's too kind to me. The Beesons also recommended, as many have, that we always keep our marriage as our first ministry. So be it!
As I confessed my failure of an evening I felt God's forgiveness. I felt him appreciate my honesty and my commitment to persevere through Him. I felt him tell me to trust in his ways, and that my evening could still be redeemed. It was already 12:30am but I believed him. Julia and I stayed up till 2am, and he did what he promised.
I woke up Saturday feeling much better, I slept in. I felt inspired and excited to tackle the reading the lay ahead of me for school. I didn't have much on my mind other than accomplishing my homework. I prayed that I wouldn't see homework as being a chore but instead still see the reading as an opportunity for God through His Spirit to change me. I asked that He would bless my time and to obtain all that I was about to read.
I felt encouraged by my reading. Through the study of the Wesleys' life I felt a call to really experience and value communion to the degree that they did. I also enjoyed the authors view in baptism, that we're all children and infants in comparison to God. That even as adults we're infants being baptized.
I confessed my frustration with writing the paper, it proved to be very difficult. However I am very lucky to have a wife who is almost done graduate school. I was humble enough to admit that I was stuck and needed help, and she certainly helped me.
Today, Sunday, God carried me through most of my day. I had some low points, mostly because a dissatisfaction with my paper. I spent some time in the afternoon working on it and feel a little better about it. Usually I'm not too concerned about grades however since I was admitted on an exemption status at Asbury I have to maintain at least a B in my classes. I confessed my fear about my paper to God and decided to trust in His plan for my life, and if that involves Asbury I decided to trust that he could make my feeble mind capable of scraping by with the grades I need.
I thoroughly enjoyed our guest speaker at Summit today, Bob Tuttle a professor at Asbury. I look forward to taking a class with him one day. He focused in on a verse out of Romans "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". I need to meditate on that every moment of every day. I might stop being so tough of myself. He spoke of repentance and how if we could turn from our sin and hand it over to God that we wouldn't need God. The reality is we need God because we can't turn from our sin. We merely have to be willing to give it to Him so that He will take it away from us. Bob Tuttle is quite the character.
I feel called to spend more time praising God. Tonight Julia asked me what I want to do and I realized that is what I want to do. However I didn't feel like it. Straight up, I just didn't feel like it. I felt like I had to be in the right head space, that I needed to feel happy or excited or overwhelmed with joy. But I realized from that perspective praising God wouldn't be about God at all, it would be about me. I want to praise him even if I don't feel like it, because it's about Him not me. The reality is this. Tonight I finally followed through on something I felt He wanted me to do, which is blog about my week. I have been keeping a thorough journal and collection of my thoughts for the past month. For the most part I get up every morning and pray, read the bible and journal for an hour. I also spend every evening reflecting on my day trying to see where God was moving.
I love doing this, it's transforming me. I feel like I need to share it with those seeking similar things. I hope you find encouragement in where God is moving in my life and in turn see it in your own.
I posted tonight in an attempt to praise God for all that he's done this week. I see now just how active he is, how faithful he's been despite a week that in hindsight looks like an emotional roller coaster.
God is good, and He alone is worthy of my praise. He alone can provide what I need in life.
Amen.
Now thats a post.
Hey bro, can you turn off your summaries so i can read the whole thing in my reader?
great thoughts.
Posted by: kyle | 15 September 2008 at 22:29